To whom it may concern,
I regret to inform you that the tests results have returned, and to be perfectly honest, they are hilarious.
How did you manage to fit so much stuff in there? From the x-rays it looks like you’ve tried to eat a petting zoo. The only way you could find more animals is if you went to a breeding farm.
And the spikes! Did you see Hellraiser and think that it didn’t go far enough? I’m pretty sure there is enough metal in you now for BHP to buy mining rights for your stomach.
And to top it off it looks like you tried some sort of home remedy. I’m surprised the CDC didn’t quarantine you as a chemical and biological hazard. The human body was never meant to ingest raw uranium.
By the way, your going to die in a few days.
Kind regards, Dr. Holland